Creating Attraction - The Institute of Human Understanding

Attraction: Attraction is much more than physical looks. It can also stem from the comfort, humor and interests. If you are on the same page with a someone by creating comfort, showcasing your sense of humor or common interests, you are good as gold. This will give you an advantage over others, including those that may be better looking. These are often times undervalued aspects of attraction, though I assure you they are equally if not more valuable than looks alone.

*Tip* Practice makes perfect.

Creating And Utilizing Rapport [1]

The first step in establishing rapport, is to match your patterns of communication with the patterns of the person you are talking with. Once you have matched their representations such as visual predicates, tone, tempo, etc. you maintain their pace. Pacing emphasizes the importance of paying attention to the other person’s behavior. (Give example)

To maintain rapport,you simply continue to pace their behavior. Pacing begins by your recognizing that people are always communicating and that they do in a systematic way. Thus, anything that you can identify (see, hear, etc.) you can pace. (Give example)

The outcome produced,by mastering the art of pacing and then leading will be; The ability to establish and maintain rapport while leading anyone you choose into any mental state you want. It is very important to be smooth and sensitive to the other person when you are pacing, so that what you are doing does not come into conscious awareness. The following examples offer you a variety of ways to establish rapport in a meaningful way. (Give example)

Whole Body Matching – Adjust your body to approximate the other person’s stance, matching.

Part Body Matching – Pacing any consistent or stylistic use of body, ie. eye blinks.

Half Body Matching – Match the upper of lower portion of the other person’s body.

Vocal Quality Matching – Match tonality, tempo, volume, intensity, timbre, etc.

Head/Shoulders Angle Matching – Match characteristics poses that the person offers with their head and/or shoulders.

Representational System Matching – Detect and utilize (match) in your own language the primary predicates of the other person.

Facial Expression Matching – Note how the person uses their face, ie. wrinkles nose, puckers lips, raises eyebrows, etc.

Repetitive Phrasing Matching -Note and use the repeated phrases of the other person.

Gesture Matching – With elegant and smooth movements, match those gestures of the other person.

Breathing Matching – Adjust your own breathing to be in sync with the other persons breathing.

Cross Over Mirroring – Using one aspect of your behavior to match a different aspect of the other person’s behavior, ie. adjusting your voice tempo to match the rhythm of a person’s breathing; pacing eye blinks with your finger or with head nods; pacing voice tempo with head nods*

As you practice more you will become better and your confidence will create momentum. That momentum will lead to even better success! Make it a top priority to identify their sense of humor and interests. From there mirror utilize Erickson’s mirroring and rapport building tips. Through trial, you will decide which techniques work best for you and you are best at.

I would compare it to an apprenticeship one would go through for a job. You are learning in real time and in doing so, you will learn to adapt on the spot. The more experiences you have, the more natural you become.While some believe attraction is not a choice, I believe it is.

[1] The Performance Institute of NLP, Steve Boyley 1998